A night cap and me and virtually no tea

Oh I needed some wine, a night cap if you will! Yes I needed a little tipple tonight!

Being a woman…

So because I am a female I need to have these ‘female examinations’ regularly, well every 3 years in my country, I’m talking about smears!

I had my smear today! So uncomfortable but hey its so important. Why is there such anxiety around it? Or stigma? Is there a stigma? I mean yes it’s a little invasive and uncomfortable but totally worth it when you get good results, yes? I don’t have results for another 4 weeks so it’s a waiting game. I feel good though. I have had these examinations for years now since I was 21. It’s so nerve wrecking before and after. I made sure I was well groomed, and tried to remain calm throughout procedure and genuinely it’s ok, there is absolutely nothing to be worried about.

Well I got through it as I always do (squeezing my eyes shut and praying for it to be over!). It only ever takes around 60 seconds and it’s done nothing to it. It’s funny because I’ve had 2 children and didn’t bat an eyelid but I always work myself up before a smear and it’s always ok.

Ladies it’s so important, if you’re due a smear examination soon just get it done.

And enjoy a cup of something afterwards…

Spilling the tea…

It was so good to see an actual adult human today! After weeks of lockdowns it was nice to see my friend. Naturally we sat and had chats and buckets of tea!

We chatted about everything and anything. We mostly spoke about our children! Lockdown with the small people is so difficult sometimes and it’s funny you’re eager to get away from them for some intelligent conversation but you end up talking about them! What is that about? You go on a date night with hubby to get away from the busy at home life and while you’re out all you talk about is how busy home life is! I find it’s the same with mom friends, you just end up talking about the kids. I always say though, it just means we’re amazing moms.

An old friend used to always say he had great ‘gaydar’ whenever we were out and he was looking for a significant other who batted for his team! Well I believe I have an ability to sense whether a child or an adult is on the spectrum (autism spectrum disorder).

I knew my child was autistic before I really knew what it even ment. I have being right with a few others since (not something I want to be right about or proud of).

My friend had a worry about her child and asked me what I thought. Now I never ever suggest to anyone anything about their children but if someone asks me straight out for my opinion or if I have ever observed their children behaving different to a neurotypical child, I will give my thoughts on that. Firstly I will always suggest having a conversation with a doctor or someone from school. It is very scary when you think something might not be ok with your child and being the parent that already has a child on the spectrum I’m generally asked for my opinion and I don’t mind, if I can help in any way that’s all I want to do.

It was nice to see someone from the same age bracket even if we did just talk about our kids! I haven’t drank as much tea as we did during our spill session but it was much needed!

Spill the tea with a friend today…

Afternoon tea and a scone

“today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten” Natasha Bedingfield

Omg! I really needed to hear this today. I was just finishing up some work and the most random memory popped into my head. I was working in a hotel (housekeeping) while I was in college, oh back in the early 2000’s. I used to blare her music in my ears on the old disk player as I cleaned dirty bathrooms and picked up used linen! But I blocked it out with this music!

I loved Natasha’s music, but I never really appreciated the lyrics. In my last post I wrote about my unusual anxieties (I have loads!), but I was feeling particularly vulnerable yesterday. I’m new here, and I spent most of yesterday reading posts on anxiety and it really helped me. All the posts that I came across that touched on this subject so resonated with me, there are people out there like me but write about anxiety in a more beautiful way. Sometimes I am very blunt with my thoughts and to see how others manage and cope with their anxieties so beautifully is just incredible. And there’s so so many of us facing anxiety everyday.

I worry about my son everyday. He makes up about 60% of my anxieties.I put work aside or any chance of finding a career to stay at home and help my son in every way I could possible. I attended every parent group, I didn’t miss any appointments, speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, psychology appointments, physiotherapy, play therapy and food therapy. I attended every single one. I studied special needs assisting from home so I could try and understand his world and support him better. I am grateful I could do all of this, so grateful for every opportunity to help him be the best version of himself and grateful that I could be a better mother. But…

And I feel so selfish for this, but I miss myself! I used to be a comedian (not professionally!) But I used to have the best times, out with friends, partying just having amazing times. I know we all must grow up and that’s life. I had my son when I was 26. I feel that my life kinda stopped around then. I love my family but I just miss myself, not the partying and care free life, but I miss the way my brain used to think. My brain just works differently now.

I do have all these anxieties and issues and I know it doesn’t read like it but I’m actually really happy. I think you need to find that thing that just makes you smile and today for me it was a memory from my college days and a song!

Thank you Natasha Bedingfield!

Playing ‘pocket full of sunshine’ now on my alexa while I sign off, just play it its such a feel good song!

Fresh cup on the way…

Anxiety and me and a cup of tea

I have spent the day reading lots of posts on anxiety. I have discovered recently my anxiety maybe caused by a phobia called ‘traumatophobia’. It’s the closest thing that makes sense to me although I don’t know where it stems from.

My phobia is so debilitating. I literally leave my house once a week to get some shopping done. It takes two days to build myself up, to work up the courage to just do a food shop. I was delighted with lockdowns because of covid, but now I think lockdown is definitely making me feel more comfortable with this phobia because I’m not being forced to take it head on.

So what is in my head stopping me from walking out the door…

This maybe triggering for people that do actually suffer from traumatophobia…

My thoughts are graphic, like for starters I imagine myself falling out the front door and splitting my face open. Then, once I make it to the car parked outside my front door, I imagine crashing and the graphic pictures in my head of the crashed scene are just too awful to describe.

I have never heard of anyone suffering from this before and I had tried to speak to a therapist about it a few years ago but even she had no experience of anyone having anxiety like me so she couldn’t help. I did go to my doctor and when I feel as I do now, like when it starts to get worse, I will go and get some medication and that’s ok for a while. I would love to just not have these thoughts. Am I alone with these weird anxieties? My fear is rubbing this type of anxiety onto my children they already have their own anxieties!

Phew! I’m glad I got that off my chest.

I think it’s time for another cup of tea…

Morning tea

Hoping to sit down with a bowl of porridge and a nice cup of tea.

Just about to start homeschooling. My son is waiting impatiently for me to correct his work. Sometimes his need for routine just doesn’t work for me he wants me to sit down straight away and I just want my morning tea or I just won’t cope!

He carried on with something while I made my breakfast, he is up and dressed and has gotten his own breakfast (bowl of dry cereal) he is getting very independent and putting me to shame. My daughter is on her laptop receiving school online she is very capable and works away on her own. How are my children more organised than me!

Ok he’s getting really impatient now waving his pencil like a rocket ship and in the voice of a NASA test director is telling me to get a move on must not cross the line into meltdown territory before he reaches blast off!

My tea is going cold…

First cup of tea

It’s bang on midnight. Ok, I know its not afternoon but bear with me, this is all new to me.

I have new pair of blue screen filter specs on and instead of a cup of tea I have a lovely glass of Californian Mascato on my bedside locker! Hey we’re on lockdown and continuing lockdown for the foreseeable don’t judge me!

I picked up my phone to do something completely different and ended up here. I’ve been feeling really crap like everyone else and I was going to journal my thoughts but had a mad notion of ‘maybe I can share how I’m feeling here’, sure its all the rage now isn’t it and I was never going to journal anything anyway who am I kidding.

I read something today with regards to covid and lockdowns, “we’re not all in the same boat but we’re all in the same storm”, it’s so true. I feel like my family and I are in a small fishing boat, we’re on calm enough waters, we have plenty of fish but the boat still rocks a little and I haven’t found my sea legs yet! I see the yachts and cruise ships up ahead and I compare my unimpressive dingy to their magnificent grandeur all of the time. I do think about how the others behind me are coping, the ones in their little row boats or the ones way out holding onto drift wood.

Autism is a storm and the ones in it are sailing in different vessels. Again I find myself in that little fishing boat. For the most part we’re ok but now and then the storm rages and our little boat gets caught up in a tidal wave.

“Homeschooling is fun!” Said no one ever. My son is 12 but academically is maybe 6 or 7. It’s impossible to get him to sit still for more than 10 minutes. He gets so distracted and will do everything in his power to avoid doing anything that involves sounding letters (yes we’re still on phonics), but I have been told on several occasions that he is an angel in school and will do everything that’s asked of him so why not for me to? It’s so frustrating and although his academic age is lower he has the attitude of a spoilt teenager from one of those fancy yachts!

I’m a 38 year old mam of two, I love my autistic son. He is talking in his sleep right now, probably dreaming of Gordon, Gino and Fred’s roadtrip and wishing he was with them. I know it’s not very appropriate for a 12 year old but it’s our type of humour and when your autistic child is laughing hysterically its the most amazing sound.

I’m not sure these blue filter goggles are working I’m wide awake!

I think I’ll have that cup of tea now…